Extremely Personal (18+)

 Content Warning!: Non-Detailed Accounts of SA & Discussion of Sexual Kinks Including CNC. If You are uncomfortable with Any of These Subjects, Please Skip This Entry. 18+!

Please enjoy this art of Cursed Cat Alastor before the heavy stuff

    I know this is meant to be a light-hearted cos-blog with an occasional fandom rant but I have to talk about something more intense & personal. For reference: I'm genderfluid AFAB, bi, mid 30s, grew up Low income, neuro-divergent & grew up in the southeastern US. Keep these details in mind when reading about my experiences. I will not use names & use gender neutral pronouns for anonymity when recounting my sexual assault experiences. ALso PLEASE DO NOT ATTACK LIMUS! I'm never in support of attacking or threatening creators! (With exception on extreme cases like proven nazis) 

    So If you're in the Hellverse fandom, you may have seen the situation with LIMUS, a youtuber that made a video titled "How NOT To Write A Victim of Abuse" in reference to Angel Dust from Hazbin Hotel. This isn't going to be a rant focus on them but watching their video brought up some frustrations I have repressed over the years. For clarity, I do disagree with most of their opinions on the video & found what they did recently involving a voice actor of the show distasteful. But I'm giving LIMUS some grace because they are pretty young (early 20s, if I recall correctly) & they might not have been able to experience meeting & talking to other SA survivors offline. I've been able to meet & friend other SA survivors in real life. It's very different hearing their stories in person & sharing yours. Seeing the range of emotions & the different ways we cope in person is wildly different than just reading accounts online. Also if they have had good therapy, they might not realize what it's like for those that can not access good therapy.   

Anyway, let's begin:

     So the part of the video that poked at the locked away trauma of mine was the topic of Angel's hyper-sexuality & while browsing around I found another video discussing LIMUS' video. A comment on said video mentioned a CNC fetish among the crew of the show (They chose to call it a Rape fetish, I will NOT be referring to it as that) CNC is Consensual Non-Consent, which is to put it plainly SA roleplay. Many victims of SA use CNC to work through their trauma. Its a kink that should be between two consenting adults that have a strong trust between them. I understand the knee-jerk reaction from people that are on the outside, 'SA is bad so CNC must be bad?' but like everything in life, its more complex than that. Sexual assault & how it affects mental health is extremely nuanced, so is how people cope with it. 

    I am a SA survivor. For years I've minimized my pain because I wasn't full on raped so in my mind I was lucky. "Others have it worse, don't be a little bitch, Ko" I would tell myself. Of course this is a harmful way to think but I didn't know better. Knowledge about the subject wasn't as widespread as it is now & rarely discussed in general. I was poor so therapy was out of reach. Here are my SA stories.

    My first experience with SA happened when I was around 4 years old. I have repressed it but my parents told me it involved the babysitter that watched the neighbor's son & I. Despite repressing it, I believe it has still affected me: I started self-pleasuring at way too early an age, I knew about certain sexual things without an explanation from peers or an adult (internet wasn't widely available then), and feeling more comfortable & safe when alone than with others. When I got older I would have knee-jerk reactions of pulling away from sexual partners when I was touched in certain places, even if I wanted to be touched. It was like an ingrained defense response. 

    My second experience was when I was around 10 years old; It involved someone younger than me by 2 years. I always feel guilty for not stopping them or saying no since I was older but I was still just a kid & scared. I now have evidence that points to this younger person being abused by an adult themselves when they were young. The whole thing is tragic for us both. 

    My third experience was when I was in college. It was a trusted friend. I cried afterwards in the shower, I remember being confused & scared. I felt like I had lost control. But as fucked as it sounds, I started have a sexual relationship with them. I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe I thought, "at least I'm in control this time." Or more shamefully "I'm not very attractive, at least I'm getting some attention."

    I had two close calls when I was older. The first one happened at a family member's house. A friend of the family member's guest pinned me to a bed when only the guest, friend, & I were in the room. The friend called the police and the guest got off of me when he heard the call. I expected my family member to defend me but instead she blamed me. "You're always making dirty jokes, what do you expect? You probably just went into the room it flirt! You've caused my friend so much trouble!" I was angry & scared with no one else there to defend me. After I went to bed that night I cried.  

    The other close call was my first year in college. A man caught me crying in an alley on my college campus. I always hide when I need to cry. I figured he would be concerned but instead he solicited me for oral sex. I said "NO" firmly & started to walk away but the man grabbed my arm. Luckily, this was in the middle of the day & someone else walked down the alley scaring the man off. I walked to campus security, barely holding back tears to report it. The women at the desk said in an unkind, annoyed tone "You have pepper spray on your keys why didn't you use it?" "I don't know" was all I had to say as I held the tears back harder. She gave me a whistle & made the report before sending me on my way. Not one word of comfort. When I got back to my dorm, I told my roommate about what happened & she laughed "Oh my god, she gave you a rape whistle?!" she said between her laughs. I just walked away from her and took a shower & cried. I already thought my roommate was a bitch anyway, but boy, oh boy, I did not expect that. 

    I can't help but wonder if it would have been different if I had been a 'better victim', if I had cried instead of holding it in when I was talking about it. Would I have been treated more sympathetically? Remember victims can look & act in all different ways. Listen to their words, don't assume things based on body language. Don't assume they don't need support because they 'look strong', ask if they need support.

 After writing the above stories & talking with my husband, I've realized that these 'close calls' aren't just close calls they're sexual harassment. He also helped me remember an incident were a man kissed me without consent on the cheek a few years ago. My husband was standing a few feet away & went to punch him. The man recoiled & said "Sorry, didn't realize that was your girl!" like that somehow made it better. At first I wasn't going to mention this incident because it was 'just a kiss'. It didn't involve my genitals so in my mind it wasn't SA but it is SA. There I go again minimizing my pain once again! Old habits die hard as they say.  

 I had become hypersexual starting in my teen years but being socially awkward meant I usually self-pleasured. Sometimes, I used things that were never meant to be used as sex toys and hurt myself. Sometimes the pain wouldn't but enough for me to stop. My interest in CNC started as self-pleasuring fantasies. Sometimes I was the victim. Sometimes I was the abuser. And strange as it sounds, Sometimes I was both. Later, I have implemented some CNC stuff into my sex life with my husband who I whole-heartedly trust & love. It feels empowering, like, I am regaining some autonomy I had lost. Like, I am rewriting the stories of my SA. I am regaining control.

    I would also like to make a bit of a side note: Fem presenting people get a lot shit for being hypersexual, especially when you're a teenager. Add living in the conservative Southeastern US on there & it's a real nightmare. Meanwhile, masc presenting people are almost expected to be hypersexual or else something is wrong with them. Both ideas are things that sociality needs to stop. Its creepy how obsessed some people are about women staying 'pure' or how many times I've heard that young women shouldn't even be thinking about sex. If you told a dirty joke in front of people like this, you were already labeled a whore. Imagine what they would have called me if they found my search history.

Now back to fandom stuff: 

    Angel Dust is not a perfectly written character (no character is in my opinion) But he is written well enough for people to deeply relate to him, which in my book means he is written right. Many fans cosplay Valentino because he reminds them of their abusers & cosplaying him is a way to regain control. Sometimes they get harnessed for it. Please NEVER harness a cosplayer or fan for liking certain characters, you don't know why they like that character. Also in general, just because a character is someone's favorite or they cosplay that character doesn't mean they condone that character's actions or want to emulate that character. I love Alastor but he is not a good person nor do I want to emulate him. In fact, don't emulate fiction characters in general please (Looking at you Joker fanboys).     

    I love Angel Dust! He is one of my top favorites but through it all the lost of control over myself is what affected me the most. This might be why I mostly cosplay Alastor: the craving to regaining control. Also I've been the 'grin & bear it' type most of my life. I can relate to masking your emotions behind a fake smile. Although behind Alastor's smile is most likely a narcissistic manipulator while behind mine is a little sad person. (The irony of being hypersexual & cosplaying an asexual character does not escape me BTW) But still I can relate to Angel on a certain level & I see follow fans all the time that can relate to him way more. Some fans have stories almost exactly like Angel's & that's why I defend the way he is written. 

    Well Thanks for reading my strange rant of super personal shit & fandom stuff. Until the next entry, see ya!